Hellsing's New Bookkeeper
by classic anon
Summary: after the raid by Jan and Luke Valentine, Hellsing was not only in need of soldiers to replace the dead ones, but also a bookkeeper to make sure any info needed could be found, and any records that needed to be checked, could be checked. but why the mask?
1. Fourth Wall Wormhole and Job Interview

~A/N~

After looking up random things, listening to 16-bit music, and watching a few episodes of hellsing, the idea for this began to take shape. However, it's not going to be 'finished' anytime soon. It will be mostly crack, and a hint of serious thrown in. also, I give credit to the ones doing the 'ask (character's name)' stories in the hellsing section, as they had a hand in spawning the idea, regardless of previous knowledge. Who knew that inspiration can come from reviewing other peoples work, plus their responses!

_**Disclaimer**_: I own nothing, but the Dell laptop that I am using to write and upload this.

~End of A/N~

(the town of Zozo)

A young man wearing a Guy Fawkes mask is seen boarding a biplane. A bomb is attatched to the underside of the craft. The propeller was already spinning. "I will have my revenge on thee… Kefka…" the plane starts moving, it takes off, slowly gaining altitude. After turning a good angle, towards phoenix cave, it makes a sharp turn at the cave, towards Kefka's tower. The masked man takes out a remote, presses a button, and the bomb propels itself towards the tower, just grazing the outer wall and hitting Vector. This is what the man was planning, a scare tactic. 'simulating both V and those fighter pilots. Gogo would be proud… if I were a mime… huh?' a portal opens and before he can react, he flies into the damned thing!

(England, 50 kilometers east from Hellsing manor)

'welcome home, anon…' the portal had taken him to England, and soon he would be meeting his soon-to-be employer: Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing….'well here goes nothing…let's just hope Alucard isn't as much of a madman as people say he is…' oh he is in for one hell of a surprise!

(forest 20 Kilometers from Hellsing manor)

"what the hell!" there was a beeping noise, the aircraft was losing speed (and altitude), and the controls were becoming increasingly useless. "SHIT! The fuel tank is almost empty!" just then, a tree was suddenly visible in front of the biplane. 'FUCK! No time to land, gotta bail out now!' the guy thought as he jumped out of the cockpit, and kept getting impacted by branch after branch. The plane, however, met a far worse fate, as it slammed into the tree and went KA-BLOOEY in a glorious blaze. But that is irrelevant. Our "Guy" did survive, but only because it was an evergreen that possessed the braches that he was falling through. And yet, that STILL didn't stop him from getting scratched, cut, bruised and hit in a place that all men hold dear (more than once, might I add), during the trip down. 'man…that really sucked' thought the masked being. 'well, looks like I will be traveling on foot from here' as helooked at his watch, he saw it read "6:24 AM". Luckily, it was actually right, and the sun was in the he traveled west. 'three hours and six minutes until my job interview…. Best not screw this up, I do not want a repeat of what happened at Vector…'

(Hellsing Manor, front gate, 8:05 AM)

The anonymous one made good time getting to the gate, dispite having to walk twenty Kilometers, but compared to getting chased by Dadaluma this was nothing. "hey, you! Identify yourself." The guards got the wrong impression, they saw a savage when they saw the torn-up suit but that didn't stop him. "I am one who has no name, I lost my face and my mane." The masked one wheezed out. "that's the password that the new bookkeeper was to use, one of the guards whispered to the other. They opened the gate after a few more whispered arguments, and said "very well. You may proceed to the main foyer. But no further.

Doing as he was told, the Guy in the mask entered the foyer, and stood, rather than bleed on the expensive looking furniture… until he realized he still had an X-Potion with him, which he promptly drank. The cuts healed almost instantly, leaving behind only scars. Then he sat down on the sofa on the far right wall. A butler came down the stairs, having a rather heated 'discussion' of who had weirder experiences working for Hellsing with one of the guards. "ah you must be the new bookkeeper. Follow me, Sir Integra will be with you in a moment, though I must admit you got here quite early, mister…" "I do not have a name, just call me 'Finder'. Everyone I've met calls me by that name. and you are?" "Walter C. Dornez. But enough about that are you aware of what it is we do here?" the butler asked.

"of course Walter. 'the Hellsing organization is responsible for keeping the vampiric populations and attacks in check, and under wraps', and if you ask why I said it that way, ask someone who is actually useful in the area of simulacrum." Finder, the masked one said. "my, don't you get angered easily? Where did you say you were from?"

I was born in a Magitek Research Facility, but these past five years I was stuck in Zozo." "well that would explain quite a few things, and as much as I would like to continue this conversation, we are at Sir Integra's office, it is time for your interview, and if you get the job, I will see you in the library at some point, and do not slack off. "

"fine, fine." Finder said as he opened the door. "ah Finder, it's good to finally meet face-to-face, or rather face-to-mask." A vaguely feminine voice said as the door opened. Now, why don't you sit down?" the voice of Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing spoke, and sure enough, she was sitting at the desk, cigar and all. Finder, trying not to choke, simply stayed quiet and sat down. While Zozo might not be the _best_ place to live, the air is surprisingly clean in that area. In other words, the cigar, to him, smells like a poorly disposed of corpse. Lucky for him, Integra was already putting it out…

(two hours later)

"well this went well. Congratulations, you're hired." "thank you for the job." "you start immediately." "alright…" "well look on the bright side, at least this isn't like the Sopranos where they cut you of mid sent- -

~a/n~

Well that be the first chapter, and the start of the chaos to come. Remember that flames will be shat upon, but constructive criticism is acceptable.

~end of a/n~


	2. Inventory and Messing with the Finder

~A/N~

It certainly has been a while since I had gotten the inspiration to update this fic. Writer's Block **SUCKS**! But better late than never, I suppose.

Chapter summary: Finder, the newly hired bookkeeper, decides to start with Inventory, and whilst doing said check, he meets Alucard and Seras. Alucard, being the crazy badass that he is, decides to mess with the masked employee…

_**Disclamer**_: I do NOT own Hellsing, Final Fantasy VI, or anything that is referenced in this story, only the plot.

~end of A/N~

Finder, standing at the doors to the mansion's book supply (aka the library), already knew which to do first. 'All right…' he thought. 'first, I will start with an inventory of what books are available. Then, I shall move on to security systems…' Opening the massive doors, the sight he was greeted with was one he was most certainly dreading. The computers were riddled with bullet holes, the room smelled of whatever was left of ghouls, but at least the books were still in good condition, if not untouched, as evident by the thick layer of dust obscuring the titles. There was a note on the desk to the right.

Walking over to said desk, the masked character picked it up.

_Finder,_

_Congratulations on getting the job. You probably realized by now that the ghouls' stench is not yet gone. That is because the cleaning crew have yet to reach the library. If you look to the left of the desk you will see a Personal Data Assistant. That will have to do until we can get replacements for the Computers that were 'smashed' as one of the rookie officers would put it. Next to it is a duster, which you may use for the books so you may get some knowledge as to what is available. The thick coats of dust on those things is most likely due to their lack of use. Well, best of luck to you, my good sir._

_ Walter C. Dornez_

Obeying the letter's instructions, he did what was told. Keeping track of which books have been logged could not have been easier, though that is most likely due to the dust coating the bloody things. But because he was so busy with Inventory, he failed to notice two vamps taking a 'walk' into the book storage room. "what's this? Ah… You must be the new book keeper that Sir Integra mentioned. " The sudden voice almost made Finder drop the PDA he was using. "and I am guessing that you are Miss Seras Victoria?" Finder replied. "Yes. Oh and this is my Master." Alucard was just as crazy-looking as Finder thought he would be. All bad-asses are like that. "Alucard. It's good to finally meet face to fa—" he suddenly cut himself off, seeing as how Alucard had started a full blown make-out session with his 'Police Girl'. "Oh get a room , you two!" he stated, and went back to his work. Upon finishing, he noticed that not only were the two vamps still there, but were starting to get a bit…naughty… "What the bleep! Stop you two or I'll call Walter AND Sir Integra on the both of you!" At this, they stopped, Alucard finally getting the reaction he was aiming for, straightened himself out, as Seras did the same. Then, they were out of the room faster than one could pronounce the first syllable of a given word. 'All right where was I? Oh that's right! I finished the Inventory, on to the security systems.' This was going to be a LONG first day of work…

~A/N~

I only had the inspiration for this chapter five minutes prior to it being written. Microsoft word has quite the spell check system though. Problem is, it considers most names to be spelling errors, unless you right-click the name, and then click "add to dictionary". But as for any OOC-ness, blame it on the fact that this is crack, and only a hint of seriousness every few chapters or so.

Flames shall be shat upon, concrit is excepted. Non-reviewers shall have loss of their souls to the internet hate machine.

~end of A/N~


	3. sec system update, Scared Mercenary

~a/n~

Finally, another node of Inspiration.

Deciding to start with setting up the security systems, Finder made his way to the supply closet, got out the tools, and got to work. But a certain French-Canadian Mercenary has other plans…

_**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own Hellsing, Final Fantasy VI, or anything else mentioned in this story, just whatever OC's I have. Remember this is only Crack with a hint of seriousness.

~end of a/n~

"Alright…now that the inventory is completed, time to set up a sec system that would make Fort Knox, USA GREEN with envy…" the Supply closet was not that far from the Library…to say that would be an understatement. It was in the room next to the Restrooms. "I have GOT to ask Sir Integra who the Architect of this place is, bring him back and kill him again for poor planning…" he said under his breath as he got the materials with which to begin. Within half an hour he had set up four chain-guns, each in one of the corners of the Library. He had already started on making a hand-portable Rail gun for himself, the mount already set up behind the desk, ahead of time. But his focus was soon interrupted…by the sound of someone screaming. 'Must be the new "hands" that Sir Integra hired.' He thought. And he was right…because one Pip Bernadette had suddenly crashed through the doors, stood up, and slammed them shut, looking as though the assassin named Shadow was after him. He was still bloody-nosed from when Seras sent him across the room just by flicking him. He then paled even more when the mounted chain guns all pointed at him. "Whoa whoa easy there mercenary. I'm still fine-tuning the Security for this room, which is the Library in case you are wondering. Come back in five minutes." Finder said to the hapless guy. "FIVE MINUTES!" he said in French. "I'll be dead by then!" "well then help me out here. The chain started doing an infrared scanner on Pip's face, he did not want to move at the moment. "Don't worry, it's registering you as a new member of the organization. But next time you choose to come here, use the eye scanner next to the door." No sooner had he finished speaking did the scanning stop and the guns went dormant again. Only then did Pip let loose the breath he was holding…At least the Merc did not have to worry about getting killed here… for now…

~a/n~

This is during the introduction of the wild geese and between that and where the main cast goes to meet Enrico Maxwell and Iscariot. Like I said last chapter, blame the OOC-ness on the fact that this is crack with only a hint of seriousness.

~end of a/n~


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